Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The best revenge is premature balding
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Two words: blizzard sex
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
