I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
