you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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