My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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