I accidentally had phone sex last night
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
