you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
