thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
