Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
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