why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
