Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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