I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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