Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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