Will you blow on my dice?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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