Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
