Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
