I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
