There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
