Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
