i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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