Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
