You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
