So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
