can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
