i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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