I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
do nipples grow back?
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