I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
