just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
