someone get that fucking seahorse.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
