No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
