All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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