Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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