I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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