Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
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