To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
