Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
