i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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