did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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