you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
