Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
