This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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