dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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