i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
