i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
