when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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