i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
