I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
