I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
