If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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