I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
