My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
