oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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