as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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