she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
