i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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