Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
