Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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