i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
