the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Randomize
