i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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