I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
