lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
